CONQUER LOVE

Good morning readers and my fellow bloggers I know you're all probably wondering how I creeped out the closet. I apologise on my behalf for not keeping up to date but I'm glad I regained my focus. The main topic I decided to focus on is conquering love. Some may not know what I mean to an extent but please bare with me. I think it was about time I stopped holding back and finally reveal it all. It's been a rough few months for me mentally, physically and emotionally and it's time I finally admitted that by disallowing and withdrawing myself from this beautiful green land and mesmerising blue skies a place we humans call earth.... all in was doing was discrediting a part of God's creation. What I learnt today is to conquer and to rise above all things that may be dragging me or whoever is reading this down, the feeling in the heart at every given moment is all in the mind, body and soul for I am in control of every choice lived by me... I went from suffering and falling into deep depression believing I was never good enough I lived a life thinking the main goal was to please everybody, but later realised it just would never be the end result it's either you please some and not all, or attempt to please all and never have time to please yourself. I faced battles with people around me I loved and thought the world of. It started off with my family the caretakers to my life my tent and my right hand my world, when you think 'family' the first thing that comes to my head is guidance, protection, love, security, shelter, annoying, stubborn and just your daily fuel. Theres times where me and my parents crossed paths and we didn't always see eye to eye but despite how they feel about situations or what they may say that I disregard and place as negativity... I know there is always some element of care. Waking up angry with the world started becoming the inevitable and it started to tear me up inside bit by bit. Gradually old friends became distant strangers and new friends became sweet acquaintances. After finalising my breakup with my ex partner recently I came to the conclusion that some things and situations should be buried and left as closed chapters. I allowed a man to get the best of me when I should have burnt that chapter when it went cold. Bless him he tried but I guess 2 completely different people from other sides of the pond couldn't flourish and grow. Ever been so in love that you played both roles? Or ever been broken that you had to deal with your partners problems before yours? Ever been so shallow that what was yours became his? That was all me, I was so in tune with the feeling of love that my feelings were thrown aside his drama became my own and I was neglected as a person. I cry deep in pain typing this that I allowed myself to be hurt instead of standing up to what was right, but I promise I fought all I could I fought till I couldn't fight anymore Slowly yet surely what was beautiful started to break into pieces and turn sour... I can't say I was right in all situations but I do know I gave my everything. I had made sacrifices that jeopardised my security, my health and my feelings people around me feelings all for the one. Bit by bit I was falling and could feel myself running mad. All the trust I had fell out the window and started to decay into suspicion and doubt. Why is it that when I ask for one thing its deemed as too much? But when one willingly pleads to give it all... it's alright. I would witness new women, new stories and mere accusations... I was hated for being in love I was deemed as the piggy in the middle that everybody could easily toy with. Who is to know what is to believe when one is left in darkness, closed off from somebody I thought had loved me left me lost in a foreign world. I could honestly hold my hands up and say I tried all I can I gave all I had I DID WHAT I COULD, heart beat after heart beat the clock was ticking it was time to make a change. Next minute its silent... the next the pigs escorted me off the premises... the next I wake up in intense pain. What had happened? Everything flashed before my eyes before I could see it.  All that had taken place became a very distant memory now its pitch black what was bright turned into burnt coal. I now clench my heart to protect and conceal the little happiness I have now. Family around the world who love me dearly, a home to call my home, a education a saviour blanket and most of all me my music my me time walks in the park and strolls by the river the real Paula was cracking to be reborn again. When it had ended I started to doubt my Lord and ask him what wrongs have I done? But I realised to disregard my wrongs and focus on what I can do right and that is moving on in blessings, no more pettiness no more spite and no more shame. But despite all my praying and opening up to you all... it has lifted all the burden off me. I am holding my hand high and walk towards the light of the Lord and this is the time to make myself proud make me happy for life forever for as long as I live in this earth I will conquer it and I will win. Anyway guys that is all I had to share God bless you if you had the time to read. Much love to my readers one day I hope to meet you all.

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